To people sitting next to me at the movie theater who made “Les Misérables” more miserable than it actually should be
Dear incredibly annoying woman,
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I have no idea how did you manage to lure that ridiculously handsome guy into watching “Les Misérables” instead of “A Good Day to Die Hard” (which by the way, personally, I think would scale much better with your intellectual level). My only guess would be either you’re that hot or he’s that stupid. Whatever the right answer is, I’m afraid that your choice of the movie was disastrous. If not for you, then at least for the rest of us who were forced to share this three-hour-long-doubtfully-pleasant experience with you. As a generally-considered good person I feel obligated to give you a bit of an advice and save you from the embarrassment in the future (or in other words – to save the society from you).
For me, and I’m sure for a lot of other people, the movie starts when the lights go down – it is well-known that looking for a place to sit down BEFORE that happens makes the whole process much easier. I can only assume that your late arrival was motivated by the need of showing off your huge…attitude. If that was the case I’m sure you would have achieved better results by making your big entrance while the lights were still up, NOT in the middle of “Oz the Great and Powerful” preview. I wasn’t exceptionally happy when you asked me to remove my jacket from the seat next to me (even though you had four to choose from) just so you can sit there, I was even less happy (with “Oz the Great…” still on the screen) when you asked your boyfriend “Is that “The Hobbit”?” while pointing your finger at James Franco. I chose to ignore that because I know that not everybody needs to know what’s going on in today’s cinema. That actually leads me to a conclusion – if you have no idea what “The Hobbit” is, then your attendance at the theater must be exceptionally low, which leads me to another conclusion – why not “Movie 43″?! Why not “Twilight”?! (the fact that this is still on is really disturbing, by the way). Why did you choose this movie, why are you sitting next to me and why I am being blinded by the screen of your iPhone every minute will always remain a mystery. My faith in getting through this film in peace was effectively crushed by one of your next questions – “It’s not in 3D ?!”. I consider asking that DURING the movie very perplexing, not only because of the fact that every normal person would know the answer for a long time now (most probably before even going out of the house) but also, because of the lack of 3D glasses. No glasses = no 3D, it is really that simple and it makes other people more happy because they have one stupid question less to listen to. Also, listening to comments like “she is so beautiful”, “Hugh Jackman is so hot” or “I didn’t know that Russel Crowe can sing” (when everybody knows that he cannot) is very irritating, so why can’t you just SHUT UP and WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE?! I was really surprised when you did actually shut up. Everything was fine until you decided to to take your phone out and make a picture (of ugly Eddie Redmayne) using FLASH which successfully managed to get attention of the entire theater. Seriously? Did that just happened?! Did you just make a picture of a movie? Really? I mean…really?
“When will they stop singing?”. This question was repeatedly bothering my mind for the first twenty minutes of the movie. Ten minutes later I realized…they won’t. My ears were longing for even a small piece of a spoken word. And this is the only thing that saves you from me suing you, stalking you or seeking revenge in any other form. However if you will refuse to take any of this rant to your heart and think twice before opening your mouth in a theater (assuming of course that God or karma or some evil forces will punish me again by sitting me next to you) I will stab you (assuming I will have a knife or any other sharp object, which is highly improbable, lucky you!) or any other form of hell will be unleashed. Beware!